Diary

Anushka kept down her phone;Akash’s shouts echoed in her ears as tear drops over flooded her eyes; grabbing the pillow she threw herself upon the warm cozy bed; she looked at her cell phone once again; she went through her phone book…. Nil’s number was already on her speed dial...still she felt like going through all the numbers …at Nil’s she stopped…may be she was committing wrong again…this time too…. But then again…. What could be the other ways!! Hurt and grieved Anushka gave it a second thought and picked up the pink diary that lay on her bed along with the mess of her stuffed teddy and doggies and pens and hair clips of all color ; Anushka’s bed was by the window side; it was around 9pm and the room was filled with soft romantic music ; a little wooden desk with scattered books, pens of all kinds, markers, pencils, lay in the corner of the room; books of literature from Voltaire , Rousseau, Dickens to the recent novels of Salman Rushdie , Arundhuti Roy , Toni Morrison adorned the shelves along with all kinds of dictionaries; her laptop was on the chair…. Her g-talk in idle state with her friends’ pings left unanswered; her wardrobe was closed and Anushka was still in her casuals….a soft cotton pink skirt of medium length and a white shirt ; she had left her medium hair open as her curls played freely over her shoulders , sometimes smiling gleefully by the frequent tickles of the cool breeze.
Taking her cute little pen , Anushka started writing down in her diary…. Stating the reasons why she was upset, the things that were going on in her mind……. The things that confused her…. The things that already had started creating a sense of regret within her….. still….. was the diary a solution?? Anushka never realized that…. Sometimes its worth to speak up things rather than penning them down in the diary; what can the diary do…it became a silent observer to her emotions…. But?? What else can it do?? Anushka’s mind never thought of this !!
It was around dinner time when the 18 yr old girl finished her writing; she was unusually quite over the dinner table and finished off her dinner too quickly as to escape from her parent’s quarries for anyone present at that moment could easily say she was not okay…That she was troubled by something serious; going to her room, Anushka put off her lights and went straight to bed; no Alice Walker that night; Walker’s book lay by the table untouched; the girl tried to sleep; she checked her cell phone :


2messages;
4 missed calls;

Unlocking her phone she went through the list;her best friend Sreya and Nil had tried her several times and they were the ones to text her; no ‘ sms ‘ from Akash; no call from Akash; Anushka opened her inbox; Sreya’s text went on like this :

Hiiee swtie…whr hv u bn dear ? calld u up 2 say m picking u up 2moro;Priam sd he z gonna tk us bth fr lunch;b ready by 10 ;tk cr..c ya..


The next SMS was Nil’s : hey…wassup?? Y didn’t u pick up d phn? R things ok?dunno y bt I flt sumhow dat u r nt ok..cld u up… whr hv u bn? Anyway..gud nyt..gv me a call if n whn u fl lik; n ya…jst remember m thr with ya alwys dear;tk cr;

Tears put her to sleep that night;things changed a lot after that; Anushka stopped reacting to Akash’s torture and whims; she stopped caring about where and with whom Akash goes out;she stopped running to him if they met in campus;she restricted her tears and delved deeply into books; she would make excuses of library if they had to meet; even the free time Nil, Akash, Sreya and Anushka got before their French classes ….. that too saw the girl absorbed in books;Akash was always with his masculine ego and temper and being Anushka’s boyfriend , he felt it was her duty to submit to him and care for him and it goes by all laws that she, Anushka , will bear the dominance and be his little doll; Sreya observed her friend and was certain of the fact that Anushka’s silence was ephemeral and that her friend would surely some day creep up to her and speak her heart out; the last person left to investigate into this matter was Nil; Nil had observed well that Anushka had been avoiding him; avoiding and being indifferent are two different things; Nil was clever enough to realize that and notice that.
Nil was a guy of highly observant character; he was cool minded and logical with eyes that could pierce through the veils of people knowing well the inner nature of those who are around him; “ something is wrong with Anushka !! “, he spoke up at last in the boy’s common room, addressing to Akash ;
“who? Nimishka?” , replied Akash in a surprised manner??looking at his laptop, he went on… “ why?? She chatted with me online this morn!! And you are saying…. !! “
Nil looked at him and paused for a moment;
“ hey dude !! “, Akash started laughing… “seems like you are the one having some problem !!”
Nil pulled back his chair and stood up; “ Akash, I said Anushka…. NOT NIMI WHATEVER !! “ his voice sounded a bit serious;
“ chill up man !! “, Akash replied back trying to retain his ‘ happy –go- lucky ‘ spirit ; “ she is an emotional fool !! don’t worry… I know she is silent but she will be normal “;
“ but how , Akash ?? “ , Nil’s voice sounded more serious;
“ come on… how am I going to know that ?? why are you asking me ?? “, Akash replied irritatingly;
“ why you ??you are her boyfriend , Man !! are not u supposed to !! “
Akash stood up…. “ hey… relax!! “ he said in a serious tone ; “ listen dude… its my personal matter how will I behave with my girlfriend!! GOT IT?? Nil…. Go and have some rest…you must be tired …we can discuss stuffs later !! “
Nil was enraged; yet he tried to retain his composure ; he felt like giving a blow to Akash but his patience stopped him; after all it was the common room and they were friends; but the primary point was that he did not want to discuss things in public;
“ am going !! “, he said coldly; closing his laptop he left; Akash nodded and started voice chat with a girl named Santosha ; Nil could only hear him saying, “ Santosha sweetie… “ he had no wish to hear all those stuff and gladly left the place; he made his way straight towards home; he had no French class that day and the classes were over; passing by the Football field of the campus, he chanced to meet his friends playing ; he rejected to join them and made a detour towards the arts department wishing at least to see Anushka or Sreya ; it was 5pm in the evening when he met Sreya and Priam in front of the arts department; seeing him Sreya waved , “ hi, Nil “ , she said smilingly ; Priam offered to have a handshake; Nil tried to smile… “ Anushka is silent these days…. “
“ yah!! I know”, replied Sreya in a bit worried tone; “ she did not tell you anything ?? “
“ anything meaning ?? “ enquired Nil;
“ I mean like why she is upset and all ?? “ ,Sreya spoke softly;
“ No !! “ , Nil gave a deep sigh; “ and you ?? “
“ nopes !! not me too “ , nodded Sreya ;
“ I am going home ; see you later !! “ , Nil tried hard to smile;
“ yups…. Au revoir !! “ Sreya said;

“ au revoir !! “, Nil’s voice floated from a distance as he left for home.
Nil checked Gmail again and again; it was clear Anushka had stopped coming online; and even if she did , she was either invisible or just came to check for important mail; the smiling , cheerful girl whom he had met six months back in the French girl had turned into a gloomy girl…… as if the butterfly went back to her cocoon stage once again; looking at the college pictures, Nil went back to those days…to that past ..when things happened. Nil and Akash were 1st yr engineering students ; good friends they were , they together started doing a foreign language course in French ; Anushka and Sreya happened to belong to the literature department of the same university and coincidentally they too had joined the foreign language course; on the 1st day, Anushka and Sreya went together, sat together and cared little about the people around them; it was 2nd day of class when Anushka had arrived alone; Sreya was supposed to come provided her boyfriend, Priam dropped her in time ; Anushka was sitting idle on the 1st bench when Nil came; seeing her alone in the 1st bench, he asked her gently, “ hey… mind if I sit here ?? “
“ oh sure !! “, Anushka had smiled back; Anushka was a very sweet and friendly girl and Nil with his gentleness and charming nature started up the conversation; soon within some minutes both were busy talking with each other and the fact
that they belonged to the same university gave them a sense of gratification!!
“ madam… !! “, Sreya dropped her bag in front of Anushka; “ aha seems like you got a new friend!! “ , she smiled teasingly ;
“ oh… this is Nil… ! ‘”, replied back the girl excitedly; and Sreya soon joined in the conversation; Akash who was busy with a group of girls saw Nil with two charming girls…. Somehow his eyes met with Anushka’s and he felt she was different from others …… ; he soon came up to them and patting Nil ‘s back he had remarked , “ hey buddy…. Don’t wanna introduce me to your friends ? “ throwing a sharp smile ;
“sure dude, “ Nil had replied and introduced them; slowly as days grew four of them became very close friends on and off campus; their free times were spent lazily by the lake or in the green fields or at food courts of shopping malls; Sreya who needed to give time to Priam would often leave Anushka with Nil and Akash ,knowing well that at least Nil was there for he seemed to be more responsible than Akash; the college pictures were taken during those happy moments when all of them were there together; Nil slowly found his best friend in Anushka and he cared for her more than anyone could in this world; Anushka’s innocence, charm and simplicity even made akash spend time with them leaving his fan following girls;it was one day when Akash had come up to Nil, “ Nil, this is serious !! you are the only one who can help me out !! “
“ me?? “ Nil had replied back quite surprised;
“ yes; I wanna make it straight , clear and short !! “
“ okay..go on… “
“ listen I feel I love anushka and I want her as my girlfriend !! “ before Akash could finish, Nil interrupted;
“wait…WHAT DO YOU MEAN AKASH?? “ he asked seriously;
“ yes I love Anushka; and I will propose her !!”

“ leave it Akash…. !! “, Nil had said; “ Anushka likes both of us I know and I too love her; why don’t you leave us?you have your fan following girls …why don’t you get one of them?; irritation and agitation reflected in Nil’s tone;
“ coz she is not like other girls; she is different !! “ , Akash replied boldly;
“ you can’t do this !! “, Nil burst out ;
“ I have already done it !! “
“ WHAT THE F DO YOU MEAN BY ‘ I HAVE DONE IT ‘ ?? “
“ Well…. I know you too liked her and so I proposed her first and I knew you would do anything to stop me ; so I told you after she accepted me !! “, Akash said with cruel looks and went on…” your cell was in silent and Anushka could not tell you ; she told me to inform you; that’s why I came !! “
“WAIT !!! “
“ WHAT?? “
“ I AM GOING TO TELL ANUSHKA THAT YOU ARE A FLIRT AND THAT YOU MADE FRIENDSHIP WITH HER JUST TO HAVE HER AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND !! “
Akash was stunned at this; he knew well that quarrel would not affect Nil ; and how hard Nil was , his weakness was Anushka; so he decided to act differently;” oh…Nil… I can do anything for you… “ all of a sudden Akash started begging him ; “Nil…. I really love her…I really love Anushka…see she is happy for our engagement…. Do you want to ruin her happiness by telling her about me?? Do you want her to repent for the decision she has taken?...please Nil… I beg you !! “
Nil was very practical and he knew that it will create more complications if he spills the beans; misunderstandings will follow and nobody can predict what will happen; Anushka after all accepted Akash… so it was better to leave things; he only wanted to see Anushka happy for her smile meant to him the most;
“ hmmmm !!’, he had said coldly…” fine !! the deal is promise me Akash, that you will keep Anushka happy forever; that’s all I want you to do for me ;
“ yah sure …!! Deal done !! “ Akash smiled happily and left
Nil alone.

As Nil brooded over this history it reminded him how things changed after Anushka’s engagement; Akash soon showed his real image ; his dominance over Anushka, his ignorance became the cause of Anushka’s daily tears; Nil stayed by her side and she depended upon him more than ever ; Akash ‘s behavior clearly reflected that he simply needed Anushka’s image to show off….he never loved her truly; in spite of all these , Nil never told Anushka to break up and kept his feelings concealed; the level of understanding and care and responsibility the two ( Nil and Anushka ) had for each other was so great that its difficult to find these even in a “ perfect couple “ these days; thinking long and hard, Nil realized it must be this matter or related to this that have been troubling her keeping her in her prolonged silence ; it was late in the night ; Nil looked up at the stars; he closed his eyes with folded hands and prayed…. “ God !! please remove this stagnancy…I know by the power of true love, I will be able to bring back Anushka ‘s smile !! “ and he waited for the right moment and the right chance .

Anushka and Sreya met Nil in their French class; Akash did not come and none of the girls were eager to enquire about the reason; after the class was over , Anushka went up to the teacher with her French book to clear some doubts; Nil , who was sitting beside Sreya, casually said, “ can you give me Anushka’s French notebook?? Tell her I will give it back to her tomorrow ; I am sure she wont mind if I take it !! “
“ why will she?? “ Sreya said giving the pink diary from Anushka’s bag, mistaking with the blue one which was the French notebook;
“ here it is “, she said handing it over to Nil; Nil left before Anushka came ; Sreya on her way home explained that
Nil asked for her French diary and she had given it to him ; the girl had no issues with it .
Trying to get a break from all the things going around him, Nil decided to concentrate on French and took out the pink diary;going through the pages he was struck with wonder; “ it is not Anushka’s French diary !! “ he remarked to himself; “ it’s the one I gave her on her birthday !! “ he gathered up the courage to flip through the pages and found the key to the problems that caused chaos in his mind; the writings in the diary went on like this………………………………

Dear Diary,
Trust me …I am really confused…I don’t know what is going around me…. I can’t figure out …I feel like repenting for a decision I took sometime back….. but I know things are complicated now; and I messed up everything; Diary…. I can’t tell this to Nil…. It will trouble Sreya if I tell her… I feel like helpless…I feel I am lost; Nil gave you to me… I know had you been Nil , you too would have listened to my endless chattering without any complaint…. But you see if I tell this to Nil…. I will mess up things even more; I already messed things up…and I don’t wanna make anymore; well….. I have realized a very truth of my life….i have liked Akash… that’s for sure…but if I have loved someone…its NIL; It was a fault on my part that I accepted Akash…. And after that I know I am not happy with him…..I have also realized the vulnerability of my relation with Akash; he has been a flirt and he will remain so; and I know I mean nothing to him rather than his status; diary…. Trust me I am not comparing between Akash and Nil…I am comparing between like and love.;…. I love to be with Nil…. I love his company…he is my best friend…caring and understanding; I know how worried I get for Nil….. I don’t know…..when I started loving Nil…. diary… to love someone is not a sin until and unless you expect from him… right ?? but what if Nil hears all these??? I know he was trying to be my best friend…what if he thinks badly of me?? What if he misunderstands me?? Diary…. I can’t tell these to him…. It will ruin our friendship…. I am becoming too much dependent on him…its better we give each other space…. And the way Akash shouted at me for enquiring of that girl with very cheap profile pictures, I know he will soon get rid of me… its better for us if I leave them…I don’t want to ruin the friendship between Nil and Akash because of me …. Diary…I will manage…. I will manage and divert my ways of life…after all it is I who committed the sin…may be in ignorance… but I did it… and I will pay for it if I cant fix up…coz there is no way of fixing ….its my fate… and the saddest part of my life…and its between me and you…….ok diary…. Good night; my voice is chocked… and my hands are shaking… don’t know what awaits me; you take care;


Nil read it again and again……. All that he was trying to know lay in front of him; he went through it twice and thrice…… ‘ now he knows the truth….. Anushka had taken up the decision already…. !! an escapist !! but will that fix things?? How can?? Akash will move on….. nothing matters to him …. But what about him?? How will he, Nil live up to the situation?? How can he afford to lose his true love?? Then again… people knew about Akash and Anushka …. What will they say…. What will the society say ?? but if Akash leaves Anushka or be it otherwise, Anushka , if she marries, will marry someone else !! then?? Why can’t Nil be that someone else?? ‘ ; Nil was troubled between friendship and love ; ‘ what about friends? Rumors spread quickly in the air than the truth; is he strong enough to face it?? Is he strong enough to handle things?? Is he strong enough to walk boldly in front of everyone with Anushka’s hand and declare to the world that he loves her?? Will things change between him and Akash after he gets engaged with Anushka?? Will things change with his friends?? can he tackle all that?? What about the boy’s common room….?? The canteen…. The lab…. The classroom !! their relation will be the hot gossip for the next few months!! Is he still matured enough to tackle all these…. To say upon anyone’s face … “ITS MY LIFE!! ITS MY WISH HOW I LEAD IT !! “ but then again… life is not about you and me… we all live in a society…. We belong to the society as much as the society forms an integral part of our lives!! Is he that much matured enough to deal with this…fate was in his hands now…things depended on how he plays his cards !! ‘
Just at that moment Anushka’s picture fell from one of the pages; like the spring gushes out from the mountain rock, 2 drops of tears fell on the picture…. “I will make my weakness my strength !! “, echoed Nil’s bold voice as he looked at the picture ;his eyes were fixed at it for some moments .
In the meantime, things had changed with Anushka and Sreya too; returning home Anushka could not find her pink diary; tensed and nervous, she called up Sreya;
“ hey sweetie !! “, Sreya said pleasantly over the phone ;
“ SREYA… DON’T TELL ME YOU GAVE MY PINK DIARY TO NIL !! “, Anushka’s voice was shaking in nervousness;
“ well…. I did … !! “ , Sreya replied casually; “ but what’s wrong about it.?? “
“Oh no !! “ , Anushka broke down !! she had no ther option but to tell everything… the diary thing…. Everything to Sreya !! she cried over phone…. She had no clue about anything; Sreya thought and advised , “ you can’t change the past…its better to leave everything on time; Nil is very matured guy and I know whatever decision he will take , it will be good for you both; we can’t do anything now !! give him time ;” Anushka listened silently; she had nothing else to do but to wait.
Nil was silent that night; pondering over the things again and again, at last he had been able to gain strength; and he wanted to retain it throughout the night; no sms..no chat…no orkutting…no facebooking that night;he went to sleep early; in the morning, he text-ed anushka, “ hey dr;wil madam go fr lunch wit me;u cnt gv xcuse f cls;I kno u dnt hav any aftr lunch;I wanna give ur diary bk 2;no xcuse; wil pick u up at 1:40; I wil cum ovr 2 ur dept. “

Anushka forwarded the SMS to Sreya who advised her to go with Nil and she foresaw the rainbow of happiness; Anushka agreed.
Nil came right at 1:40 and caught Anushka and Sreya coming out of the classrooms; Sreya was in shorts and a T- shirt; Anushka was dressed in slim-fit blue jeans and a very pretty green frock- cut top; her hair was neatly arranged by clips and the black eye-liners made her dear eyes prominent ; ignoring the remarks passed by some people, Nil walked up straight to the girls and grabbing Anushka by hand, he said to Sreya , “ will see ya later !! “ on the way he sent her message , “ gt ur mail ds morn; dnt wry; thngs wil b fine; I wil mk thngs ok; m nt a dumbass ;tk cr “;
Anushka was silent all the way; Nil too didn’t open his mouth; he only observed Anushka’s facial reactions; he knew the girl was scared and nervous and laughed within himself; at the food court the silence was broken.
“so, what do want …. For lunch ?? “, he smiled at Anushka ;
“uummm….. anything…. !! “ Anushka’s voice trembled ;
Nil looked at the counters and said , “ well… am sorry but they don’t sell here any food called “ anything “ ; so… we have to get something else !! “ he exclaimed coolly ; Anushka tried to smile; Nil was always like this….at least Anushka never knew somebody more humorous than Nil ever existed in this world…at least in her world ; she could have laughed or could have started conversation but she was still worried about the diary stuff; all the while she kept on thinking about this , she felt some one trying to do something with her hair; she looked back and saw Nil trying to clip her hair;
“ this little red rose really looks beautiful on your hair “, he smiled in reply to Anushka’s silence as her eyes looked at him as if saying, “ what are you trying to do with my hair !! “ the girl was puzzled ;she had no idea how she was going to behave; ‘ she can’t call up Sreya in front of Nil and ask her for advise ;and she can’t even SMS her as Nil could see it ; so it was better to be silent; ‘ after he was finished tying the red rose, he kept his bag over the table and spoke up again, “ well…. It seems my dear madam is speechless for some reasons…anyway.. I am hungry… am going to get chicken momo and cold drink for us ; “ and he went off to order food knowing pretty well that chicken momo and cold drink was Anushka’s favourite; Nil managed to take Anushka’s cell with him which she had kept on the table testing her patience and keeping her frightened for a bigger surprise; he brought the tray and arranged the food; sitting right in front of her, he made direct eye-contact with Anushka ;she could not escape it; sternly he said, “ now listen to me carefully; whatever I am going to say is for everyone’s happiness; and you will do what I say; “
Anushka was trying to speak up but Nil interrupted her;
“listen to me 1st “, he said more sternly; “ Akash and you will have to part by hook or crook ; even if you don’t do it yourself, Akash will do it himself; so we can make things happen in this manner….. you need to question Akash about his gang of girls; you need to speak up your rights and as far as I know Akash, he will eventually break up coz I know he doesn’t care about you ; and then you will get your true love and I will get mine ; I know everything now !! “; tears rolled from Anushka’s eyes and flooded her cheeks ; “ and the red rose is already tied to your hair”, Nil continued , “ so you will get your love and I will get mine !! “; he paused; Anushka stood up and embraced him;Nil took her soft arms in his arms and embraced her; Anushka burst into tears; for half an hour she cried in Nil’s arms; Nil patted her hair softly and caressed her and placed a kiss on her cheeks……. It was a dream come true for both of them; after that Nil helped her out with the food and the rest of the day she spent near the lake only in his arms; very few little words were exchanged; Nil informed Sreya about the incidents; Anushka behaved in the way advised by Nil and as usual, infuriated egoistic Akash, by his usual nature got tired and felt he could not continue the relationship anymore; he asked for a meeting and Anushka, Nil, Sreya and Akash met; Akash declared the end freeing Anushka from the bonds but somehow suspecting Nil could be behind this, he targeted Nil ;
“ back off !! “, Nil exclaimed as Akash spilled out slangs; “ you broke the deal Akash; its not my fault ; its yours !! “
Akash grabbed him by the collar and munching his fists, he shouted “ you…. Bloody devil….. just F- off…….. you and your emotional little fool…. I will get thousands BETTER girls…who needs a … !! “
Nil rescued himself; it was enough for him and he knew he had to face it; “ you done with your lecture ?? “ , he smiled adding fuel to the fire ; Anushka and Sreya observed them and Nil soon left Akash who kept on muttering slangs to Anushka.
A week later…it was the same green field; Anushka sat with Nil in his arms, lazily trying to play with his fair large finger with her fair smaller ones; Nil was caressing her while talking with Priam who was sitting with them along with Sreya; they were talking of happy things…..suddenly Sreya remarked … “ some things will never change !! “ pointing out to the path where everyone spotted Akash walking happily with a girl in mini- skirts in his arms; all four of them laughed ; Anushka whispered softly in Nil’s ears, “ like our true love “ , and smiled at him her eyes met with Nil’s ….. the air was filled with happiness and the scarlet rays of the sun brightened up the blushes and the love-plays of the young couple in true love.